What do I really want? Recently, I’m always asking this question. What do I really want? What do I really want? I’m crazy for asking these things while having an on-going medication. I think the experience and feeling of death changed how I want to live my life. Now, I think I want to be crystal clear about the things I will continue to pursue.
About life and living a life… It’s clear to me that I need money to live and pay for a comfortable life. But, how much money do I need to make to really say it’s enough?
When I started working, I had my first monthly salary of 14,000 pesos. After 2 years of working, it became around 20,000 pesos. In 2017, I listed all my expenses and bills that I need to settle and came up with 50,000 pesos a month to live a comfortable life (at least in my perspective). After 2 years, in July 2019, I was able to have a monthly salary of 50,000 pesos. As I get higher salary, I observed that my personal operating expenses also increase. At that time, even if I get my target salary, it was still not enough. Expenses continue to grow and new bills are added. Expenses change as we get old. There’s always an unexpected change that will occur somewhere that requires budget realignment. At some point I asked, when will the accumulation of money be enough?
At the moment, I am sick. I am under medication. But, I am lucky. I am lucky because life is gracious to me. The timing is just right. The fact that I’m alive and writing this is a miracle. I had the opportunity to study here in Japan where health care system is convenient and citizen-friendly. I got 70% off in my medical expenses covered by the National Insurance. I also got additional 25% off in my medical expenses from the ward office where I live. The remaining 5% is paid from my allowance as a scholar. I am lucky. Even if I’m sick, I still consider myself lucky. If my sickness arise when I was in the Philippines, for sure all my savings will be consumed. My life insurance doesn’t cover the illness that I have. I also have a health card but with the increasing case of covid patients these days, probably it will be very difficult to visit hospitals in the Philippines. Since my savings will be gone, then, I cannot pay for our house rent. Then, probably my younger working brother will pay for it, and so his financial responsibility will be higher. Then, my parents probably will turn to debt to pay for my increasing medical expenses by then. But… God is good it didn’t happen. I don’t know why life is good to me. I know it is difficult but I think I’m still lucky. I should use this additional days of my life to make something to serve people.
I remember when I was inside the operating room, I cannot understand the language of doctors and nurses. Suddenly, I had a lighting strike of pain all over my body. I screamed. I cried. I thought it was the end for me. But God held me, He was there with me… Going back to the question: what do I really want? I still don’t know exactly. Right now, one thing I’m quite sure is I want to know more about God. I hope that my life will be used for something good while I’m still here. I hope…